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Episode 3: Tension

by Jovan

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13 February 2017 11:25
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The remote Siberian winds howl, and particles of hard ice graze the metal exterior of the D.R.I.L.L. base. The hallways and dank and wide hangars await still for the day to begin. A lonely cleaner sweeps the control room, illuminated through the silicon window, which radiates the faint morning sun.
The doors slide open, and the official comes through, tailed by a few of his minions.
"Whats this? Alexei, is that a transmission we have received. Wow, I feel popular!" says the official sipping something inconspicuously from his flask.
Alexei is already going through the transmissions by then. His eyes widen once he has deciphered it.
"Oh, thats not good news." says Alexei.
"What isn't." replies the official already descending down the steps to see what Alexei is doing.
He looks at the transcription.
"Fuck sakes." he says.
"I know right, kinda wish I hadn't come in today." remarks Alexei.
"Shut your face, you would not believe how big of a mess this will make" says the official.
"What is the "Cygnus call" anyway?" asks Alexei.
The captain makes his way to the command seat. Almost concerned by his lack of reply, Alexei's smile fades. The official begins to type into his armrest.
"Sir, what are you doing."
"Shut up and open the transmission terminal, I have to call somebody. Alexei, you heard me?"
"Who are we calling?"
"Ever heard of the New Earth Organisation (see Background 1)."
"You're joking"
A projector drops from a hatch in the ceiling. The projection materializes. The NEO logo shines on the wall.
"Hello, New Earth Organisation support line here, how may we be of service."
"Patch me through to the cheif."
"I'm afraid we can't do that, who is calling"
"Your friends from D.R.I.L.L"
The other end of the line goes silent for a few seconds.
"The Cheif will speak to you now" says the voice on the other end with a subtle crack.
Alexei gives the official a look of suspicion.
"Don't worry, I know the cheif." says the official to Alexei.
"Its all good."
"Be nice if they put us through any time soon"
A face pops up on the projection. Before the official speaks the man on the other end begins:
"The fuck are you doing calling us directly. The our PR is already bad enough, you think the public would appreciate us talking to a Russian operation? Do you know how corrupt that makes us loo-"
"Listen, I'm the one here who should be upset." says the official, he continues: "One of our ships received a message from one of your terminals."
"Oh, no" says the face on the other end.
"Yeah, and its not good. You know the Cygnus Terminal?"
"Oh Jesus." says the man on the projector.


oh it is amazing
by AnnaLopez, 13 February 2017 11:43
Cool to see you fiddling with lore building a bit, keep it up im interested to see where you take it
by Lumpkins, 13 February 2017 16:35
Do you get the story so far. I try and keep it simple, but Im also a bit retarded.
by Jovan, 13 February 2017 17:39
Seems a bit in-cohesive jumping between the different plotlines so early in the narrative, are you more trying to tell a story or build upon a world?
by Lumpkins, 13 February 2017 18:40
These are part of the same plot. The transmission received by the russians in this one was send by the mining vessel in the previous episode.
by Jovan, 13 February 2017 18:45
Plotlines was mabey the wrong term, Jumping between perspective's this early in the narrative can be a bit confusing, but it all depends on what type of story your trying to tell here.

Typically you want to commit at least a short chapters worth to your key characters each in order to build a sense of relatability with nuance and what not. Right now all i know about these characters is that both groups received a strange distress signal and that one is Russian. If you just meaning this to be a short story and as a introduction to the world without much consequence toward character development which is the crux of good storytelling then this is fine so far. if thats what your going for then if anything you should be cutting down the nuance to leave more room for exposition.
As it stands your in a kind of strange balance between trying to explain the story and very lightly trying to make these characters more fleshed out which is making it somewhat jarring to follow. Im only a amateur writer and most of my stuff is just lore dump's and exposition and not necessarily actual character driven proper writing but ill offer you what advice i can
by Lumpkins, 13 February 2017 18:55
What Im doing now is trying to do here is just set up the situation. This is the buildup to where the actual event(s) occur.

A few more episodes and I will get to the point.

Right, you dont fully get it. Summary

-Episode 1, a mining vessel belong to "Drill" receives distress signal. They send a message to Drill headquarters.
-Episode 2, They arrive at the terminal that sent the distress signal. Save the people on the ship
-Episode 3, the Drill base back on earth receives the signal sent by the mining vessel in episode 1.
by Jovan, 13 February 2017 19:50
Yes i understand the arc your going for but im asking what manner of actual story your trying to tell. If this is just a expository introduction to a world you plan on developing then including individual details like the dialog between your characters who otherwise only have names isnt necessary and you should focus on being more straightforward with the chain of events, whereas if what your going for is a character driven story about the events happening within this universe then you need to focus alot more on defining the characters and giving them more then just names, the strange mix and balance you have between the two is whats making it so difficult to follow.

Your putting emphasis on the characters dialog and allowing it to dominate these shorts as if its going to be relevant and as if im going to know these characters but it dosent seem like thats the direction your going.
by Lumpkins, 13 February 2017 20:15
oh right, yeah, this is sort of exposition, but the characters will be relevant later on, so I may as well get some of the personalities sorted right now.

the story wont be over a long period of time the actual events happening over a span of weeks.
by Jovan, 13 February 2017 21:08
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